I am always surrounded by children. Being a young aunt at the age of 17 and helped to baby sit , changed diapers, feeding, pushing stroller, take them to nursery, comforted my nieces and nephews and playing with them, had give me a view of how to raise my children even before I had one. I know I don't want to spoil them , want them to have a good discipline, eat well and have a good manner.
But , nothing can prepare one as a mom unless we become one. Sometimes , even after we teach them many times about being kind and polite but somehow , they will act like a total brat in front of other, throwing a massive melt down or tantrums, dished a rude comments to other. So far from what I expected from them to be respectful , kind and polite!!
I normally will remind them that the behavior is not nice and I will repeat it again in the evening before bed. Kind of doing daily recap of what they've done, which one should I praised or which one is unacceptable . Talking to them when they ( and I) are more relaxed and less emotional ,(hopefully) will work better and it is easier for them to accept it.
Maya is 2.5 years by now, and most of the time she speaks in full sentences and she is just too cute and I want to laugh even after she made a HUGE mess in the house . But I hold it.... I still need to tell her that what she has done is not good.
Taken from the babycenter.com discipline page, this is what I thought would be great for us to know:
First, the ground rules
To set the stage for discipline success, here are the bottom-line rules many experts agree on:
1. We're all in this together. Right from the start, teach your kids that your family is a mutual support system, meaning that everyone pitches in. Even a baby can learn to "help" you lift her by reaching out her arms, says Madelyn Swift, founder and director of Childright and author of Discipline for Life, Getting It Right With Children.
2. Respect is mutual. One of the most common complaints parents and kids have about each other is "You're not listening." Set a good example early on: When your child tries to tell you something, stop what you're doing, focus your attention, and listen. Later you can require the same courtesy from her.
I try to do this specially to my 6 years old. She talks non stop and it is hard for me to follow, but I do listen and ask her some questions . I think it is important for her to show that mom is care and want to know more about her daily life.
3. Consistency is king. One good way to raise a child with emotional strength? Be consistent and unwavering about rules and chores, says Harvard professor Dan Kindlon, author of Too Much of a Good Thing. Even if you pick just one chore to insist on, your child will be better off, Kindlon says. "Being firm and consistent teaches your child that you care enough about him to expect responsible behavior."
I try to be fair and be consistent to my children. Be it at home or outside. I will try to act the same the way I would at home. This will give them the lesson that some kind of attitude is not acceptable at home or outside. When my kids need to be reprimand at public place , I will do it. Normally will much more deeper tone and I will give them a warning. And one thing that I learn is I always try to keep my words. Even to the punishment. When I said , if you don't listen to me and keep screaming in public place for no reason then we will go home, And if they don't listen I will go home for real. It will teach them that Mom really do what she said. So the next time they will listen.
So I always remind my husband not threaten the children. Like when they can't sit nicely in the car , don't say " we will go home" when we can't go home or worst : papa will stop the car and put you outside.But instead we would say "police will catch us we we keep standing up and using no seatbelt in the car". Which is true. Although sometimes when there was ambulance I will say: POLICE !! :-D.
Same thing at home. if I said if no one can share , Mama will close the tv, you can cry as much as you want, but I will still close the TV. And I will really do it . Not just to threaten them.
But I also keep my words for good things, like if you can tidy up the toys, after that we can have ice cream or go to playground later on.
4. Life's not always fair. We're so afraid of disappointing or upsetting our kids — too afraid, say some discipline pros. "If a child never experiences the pain of frustration — of having to share a toy or wait their turn in line — or if they're never sad or disappointed, they won't develop psychological skills that are crucial for their future happiness," says Kindlon. So if your child's upset because a younger sibling got a different punishment, for example, it's okay to say "I understand that this seems unfair to you, and I'm sorry you're upset, but life isn't always fair."
Yes, I totally agree with this one.We never want to protect our kids to a certain point that NOTHING or NO ONE can make her upset or sad. My husband also has the same point of view.
If a young kid want something and we always give in then she will know nothing about how to deal with the frustration. It is ok to be upset or sad. In life we can't always get what we want anytime. We must earn it but sometimes it just can't. Like when we were in vacation and Indy want to swim day and night when she was having a bad cough. We told her she can't go to swim for too long. She was very upset and cried. We let her cried, because she needs to let go of her feeling, but we did explain that if she choose to swim now she will be sick for the rest of holiday and won't be able to enjoy the days there. Some of my favorite discipline tools are :Tool: Remove and substitute
Age: 6 to 18 months
How it works: Like the rest of us, young children learn by doing — so when your baby throws his bowl of peas off the highchair tray, it's because he's curious to see what will happen, not because he wants to upset you or mess up your clean kitchen floor.
That said, you don't have to stand by while your child does something you don't like. And you definitely don't want to stand by if your little one's grabbing for something dangerous. Take the object away or physically move your baby away from it. Then give him a safe, less-messy or less-destructive alternative. "Substituting something else will prevent a meltdown," Kvols says.
Make sure you explain what you're doing to your child, even if he's too young to really understand. You're teaching a fundamental discipline lesson — that some behaviors aren't acceptable, and that you'll be redirecting him when necessary.
Real-life application: Your 8-month-old keeps grabbing your favorite necklace and chewing on the beads. Instead of letting him, or continuing to pull it out of his hands, unclasp the necklace and put it aside, explaining simply that your jewelry is not for chewing. Then hand your baby a teething ring or another chewable toy and say, "This is fine to chew on."
Tool: Emphasize the positive
Age: 12 months and up
How it works: This one's easy: Tell your child when you like how he's behaving, rather than speaking up only when he's doing something wrong. "It takes a bit of practice to get in the habit of rewarding good behavior rather than punishing bad, but it's more effective in the end," says Ruth Peters, a clinical psychologist in Clearwater, Florida, and author of
Don't Be Afraid to Discipline and other books.
Real-life application: It's nap time, a potential battle zone with your sometimes resistant toddler. Head it off by praising even small steps: "It's so great that you stopped playing with your blocks when I asked you to. That means we have extra time and can read a story. If you lie down right away, we'll have even more time and can read two stories." Keep praising each improvement he makes in his nap time routine, and make it worth his while with rewards such as stories or songs.
Tool: Ask for your child's help
Age: 12 months to 8 years
How it works: Researchers know something parents may not: Kids come into the world programmed to be helpful and cooperative. All we have to do as parents is take advantage of this natural tendency. "Kids are innately wired to want to cooperate," says Kathryn Kvols. "A lot of times we parents just don't notice this because we don't
expect children to be helpful."
A 2006 study backs up this idea: Researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology discovered that toddlers as young as 18 months already have full-fledged qualities of altruism and cooperation.
The way they demonstrated this was simple. A researcher would "struggle" to hang up a towel with a clothespin or stack up a pile of books. When he dropped the clothespin or tipped the books over, the toddlers would race to pick up the clothespin and hand it back, or restack the books. But when the researcher made the same mistakes without struggling — that is, without looking like he needed help — the toddlers didn't budge. They understood what it meant to be helpful.
Get your child involved in daily tasks around the house so she learns that everybody works together. "I recommend that parents find things their children can do, whether it's washing vegetables, feeding the dog, or sorting laundry," Kvols says. "You're teaching your child to be helpful, which is one of the most important life skills. We've found time and again that the people who are most mentally healthy are those who've learned to be of service to others."
While this may not sound like a discipline strategy, just wait: If you've taught your child to be cooperative, you can call on this quality when you need it. For example, giving your toddler a "job" to do can defuse some of the most common tantrum-provoking situations. Kathryn Kvols put this to use when her son, Tyler, refused to get into his car seat. She made him "boss of the seatbelts" — he had to make sure everyone in the car was buckled in before the driver could start the car. The battle over the car seat was over.
Real-life application: Let's take the grocery store aisle, site of infamous meltdowns. When your child wriggles to get out of the cart, you can hold up a box of raisins and say: "I need to get food for us to eat, and I need you to help me." Then hand him the box and let him drop it behind him into the cart. You can also ask him to be your "lookout" and help you spot certain favorite foods on the shelf.
Tool: Manage anger
Age: 12 to 24 months
How it works: Toddlers are
tantrum-prone because they're not yet able to control their emotions, experts say. "Tantrums aren't really a discipline issue, they're about anger management," says Madelyn Swift. "Tantrums happen when kids don't get their way and they're
mad."
Step one in this situation is to let your child calm down in whatever way works best for her. If she'll let you hold her, hug and rock her until she's quiet. If touching her only sets her off again, give her space to calm down by herself.
Don't try to talk to her about what happened until she's over the emotional storm, Swift says. But once it's over, don't let relief prevent you from addressing what happened. Instead, replay the tape and return to the scene of the crime. It's time to fix whatever mistakes were made.
Real-life application: Your toddler didn't want to get dressed and threw a fit, hurling toy cars around the room. Once she's stable, take her back to the toy cars and calmly but firmly tell her it's time to pick them up. If the task seems too daunting, split it up. Point to one pile of cars and say, "You pick up these cars and I'll pick up the ones over there." Stay there until your toddler has finished her portion of the job.
If she refuses and has another tantrum, the cycle repeats itself. But wait longer for her to settle down this time, and make sure she knows you mean business. Then back to the cars you go.
Tool: Talk toddler-ese
Age: 12 to 24 months
How it works: The secret to getting your toddler to do what's right — or to stop doing what he shouldn't — can be as simple as communicating in a way he can truly understand. Pediatrician Harvey Karp, author of
The Happiest Toddler on the Block, tells parents to view their toddler as a "little Neanderthal" and talk to him as such. In other words, get down to his "primitive" level and keep it really, really simple.
Karp calls his communication strategy The Fast Food Rule because you're basically operating like a drive-through cashier: You repeat back the order, then name the price. Use short phrases with lots of repetition, gestures, and emotion to show your child that you get what's going on in his head.
Real-life application: Your toddler yanks a truck out of his friend's hands. Instead of plopping him down in a time-out or trying to explain why what he did was wrong — both strategies that assume your child's more sophisticated than he is — take a few minutes to echo what he seems to be thinking and feeling back to him: "You want the truck."
Validating your child's feelings will help him settle down, and once he's calm enough to listen, you can deliver your discipline message. But again, give him the stripped-down version: "No grab, no grab, it's Max's turn." Note: This may feel silly at first, but it will work.
Tool: Listen to "no"
Age: 12 to 36 months
How it works: "No" is one of the first words many kids learn to say, and it almost immediately becomes the one they say most often. As parents know, the constant negativity and refusals can get a little tiresome. Strange as it may sound, one way to prevent "
the endless no's" is to try and take "no" seriously when your child says it. After all, we all have a tendency to repeat ourselves when we don't think people are listening, right?
Real-life application: Your toddler's running around in a dirty diaper, but she refuses to stop and let you change it. "Start by asking if she wants her diaper changed, and if she says no, say okay and let it go for a while," says Kvols. Wait five minutes and ask again, and if you get another no, wait again.
Usually by the third time you ask, discomfort will have set in and you'll get a yes. And knowing that saying no carries some weight will stop your child from saying it automatically. "The more you respect their no, the less often they use it," Kvols says.
Tool: Try reverse rewards
Age: 3 to 8 years
How it works: Take a page from teachers everywhere — kids respond much better to positive reinforcement than to reproach and punishment. And they also like structure and clear expectations. Ruth Peters, the clinical psychologist in Clearwater, Florida, advises parents to take advantage of these qualities by setting up a system of rewards. You can make this system even more effective by reversing the usual rules — instead of giving rewards for good behavior, take them away for bad behavior.
Real-life application: Put a few things your child loves — these could be a Hershey's kiss, a new colored pencil, and a card good for an extra bedtime story — in a jar or box as the day's rewards. Then draw three smiley faces on a piece of paper and tape it to the jar. If your child breaks a rule or otherwise misbehaves, you cross out a smiley face and one treat disappears from the jar. An hour or so before bedtime, you give your child everything that remains.
Tool: Teach consequences
Age: 5 to 8 years
How it works: We want our children to make the right choices — finish their homework
before they turn on the TV, for example, or not play ball in the house. But when they don't, what do we do?
To handle problem behaviors, involve your child in finding a solution, says Harvard professor Dan Kindlon. For example, if he doesn't finish the night's homework, he may decide to wake up earlier the next morning to do it. Because this isn't a great long-term solution, make a plan for the future together: Does he want to do his homework before going out to play, or does he want to set aside time in the evening?
If he's been part of the planning process, it'll be a lot harder for your child to pretend he just "forgot." But be consistent in enforcing limits — if the plan is to finish homework after dinner, it must be finished before the TV goes on.
Real-life application: Your 7-year-old breaks a lamp throwing a ball in the house. Instead of scolding him by saying that he wasn't supposed to be doing this in the first place, tell him it's up to him to fix his mistake. Have him glue the lamp back together if he can — if not, he can do extra chores to earn enough for a new lamp.
Tool: Allow redo's
Age: 5 to 8 years
How it works: How many times have you wanted to take back something you said the moment you said it? Well, when your child sasses or snaps at you, and you snap right back, chances are everyone feels that way.
One way to maintain peace in the family is to allow "redo's" — a chance for your child (or you!) to say what she wants again in a more respectful way. "When you tell your child 'redo,' you're saying, 'I want to hear what you've said, it's important to me, but I want to be respected. So say it in a more respectful tone and I'm happy to listen,'" says Kathryn Kvols.
She and her daughter, Briana, even have a secret signal they use to tell each other to redo without having to say anything out loud. Asking for redo's when your child talks back keeps the situation from escalating. It also teaches her that speaking to people calmly is a better way to get the response she wants.
Real-life application: Your child screams "I hate you!" Stung and hurt, you immediately yell back, "Go to your room!" and the evening's lost. Instead, take a deep breath and ask your child if she wants a "redo" (or use your signal if you're in public). This gives your child a chance to articulate her feelings in a calm way rather than just exploding.
"You want your child to know that you're not trying to shut her up, and that you're capable of hearing the good and the bad," says Kvols. "Then you can address the issue that's actually at stake" — the underlying problem that prompted a regrettable comment in the first place.
Disciplined a children wont's happen over night. And no one can guarantee that it will worked ALL THE TIME. Sometimes it does, and some times it just doesn't work!But we TRY! We want our children to be kind , respectful and polite!Which remind me of my experience in public playground recently. Gosh..there are so many RUDE children now days. And even the parents just pretending not to know that their children are not being kind to other kids in the playground, but they just were just too ignorant or maybe thinking their children can't do no wrong? These kids mis behaved and being physically rude to other kids but their parents just didn't seem to care or didn't even look at their kids. They don't encourage the kids to share toys, be consider to others. I am not a protective mom that act like my children are made from glass that no one can hurt them. Children do bite , hit , pulled or pushed each other, specially toddler, and we still need to remind them that is not a nice thing to do.
But when a kid is above 5 years old and they did that and the parents just don't care or they don't even remind their children to be nicer....WHO can blame the children for being rude?
