To smack or not to smack?

I've been raised by a quite strict parents in term of discipline but they are fair towards the 5 children. I had a bit of smacking in my butt during my childhood ( not toddlerhood even that I don't remember but my sibling and I do remember that our parents never hit a young child) , but only when I did a very bad thing or being unreasonable. But as far as I can remember, the smacking habits stopped when we all reached the age of 10 -11 or so.

And when my turn come to act as parent, I admit , I do sometimes to spanking on their thigh, or butt, or sometimes a little flick in their chin if they said something very rude. However I am not proud at this at all.

The first thing I notice when my dd start her pre K in Malaysia is that some of the teacher do spank the students ( in the palm). My first reaction was shocked. But after a while and after some observation and understanding towards the situation I can accept it. Reason : the teacher probably don't have time to reason for each kid , and they only spank after a repeating same mistake. And I know that it doesn't hurt ( they use a ruler and spank the palm lightly)

Then later on, I found out , that a 'rotan' or cane is a very common discipline tools in almost every household. I do have cane, but right this second I don't know where I keep it. Because last time I use that for the dog , since they fight quite often , the cane is something we use to distract them.

However , somehow, someway, this rotan thing can do wonder in discipline children. If I want something to threaten them , and I want a FAST result. Rotan is the key . I wouldn't really smack them, mostly I just hit it to the wall , or sometimes just holding it and show to them. So mainly it is my "threatening tools".

But , I notice..beside the fast result, the children WONT behave good in long term. So for my self : Rotan/cane is the INSTANT disciplinary tools, it will give you fast result ( because children are terrified by it)but will they repeat the same mistake again and again in (very) near future? My answer is YES.

It is up to us , how we gonna discipline our children according to your family lifestyle and your children characters. In Asia, children spanking is consider as a common practice but in some other countries there is thin line there between children spanking and child abuse.

My rude awakening about spanking from my almost 3 years old, after I spanked her thigh a couple months ago when she was behaving badly , she said in her tears: MAMMA IS BAD! Can not hit people!!....................

It was like a slap to my face, and it came out from a mouth of a toddler. I did tell her, she can't bit others, to her sister specially that she like to pinch, or her friends. She has showed a great development, she almost never hit or hurt her friends ( just her sister that she hurts from time to times). So when she hit her sister I would say : Maya is bad....we do not hit people, it hurts!

Looks like she remembered it and used my words against me!

So like on my last post : our children is our mirror. How can I tell her not to hit other while I am my self spank her?

This post is not intended to judge your parenting style or to tell that spanking children is wrong , but I do not support spanking or children ( as it can lead to children abuse in a certain level). This is purely for sharing and based on my personal opinion only. I did or do spank children occasionally and I am not to proud of that at a time. But I do believe spanking is not the best discipline tools out there.

If your children won't react to any other discipline alternative ( like distracting, negotiating, reasoning, time out etc) and if they ONLY react to the cane/rotan or smacking, maybe it's time to re-evaluate your discipline tactics . But remember other discipline tactics , most of the time, won't give you an instant result like smacking with rotan did.

Below is the article that I read . Enjoy..

5 WAYS TO DISCIPLINE CHILDREN WITHOUT SMACKING - BY MICHAEL GROSE
The issue of smacking as a discipline method has reared its head once more. Recently, Channel’s 9’s 60 Minutes showed a segment on smacking claiming that 3 in 4 Australian parents hit their kids to keep them in line.

As I have stated in my blog I am quite surprised by this high proportion of parents who still lay claim to using smacking as a discipline measure. Sure, there isn’t a parent around who hasn’t felt like smacking when they are on the receiving end of their children’s poor, challenging or uncooperative behaviour. We have all experienced such anger and frustration but to actually lay claim to smacking being a legitimate discipline tool is a very different thing.

My advice is to leave smacking out of your discipline toolkit. Smacking usually involves a lack of skill. Look for alternative skills that you can use. Practise the alternatives in low stress situations so that when you are under stress (when we are under stress we tend to revert to our lowest levels of skill), you will respond differently.

Here are five alternatives to use rather than smacking:

Avoid the first impulse: Often your first impulsive reaction will actually encourage a poor behaviour to continue. Do something different or out of left-field. Sometimes kids will behave poorly to test you out, to gain a little attention or just to show you that you can’t make them do anything they don’t want to do. When we respond impulsively we often reinforce their goals.

Take a break yourself: Sometimes it is better to leave a situation temporarily if you feel you are about to break. Make sure children are safe and take a break for a time to regain some perspective. Find a place in your house, such as the bathroom, where you can have some space or even go outside where children’s poor behaviour never seems as bad.

The thinking spot: There are times when children need to be given the opportunity to reflect on their poor behaviour. Every house needs a ‘thinking spot’, that is a place where children can go to think about what they have done and how their behaviour may affect others. The ‘thinking spot’ doesn’t have to be in a bedroom – it can be a chair or a step in a public space. The key is to establish ‘the thinking space’ concept when everyone is calm, not at the point of anger.

Consequential learning: When kids are less than perfect we need to move into action rather then verbal mode but the action doesn’t have to be a smack. Let kids experience the consequences of their actions so babies who kick their legs on the change table can be quickly removed rather than smacked. Toddlers who play jack-in-the-box in the bath can be taken out of the bath. Young children who refuse to clean away their toys can have them removed by the ‘silent maid’ for a day or two. Kids who throw tantrums will learn that their parents will disappear. Let consequences do their magic rather than physical force.

Ignore some of the poor stuff and catch them being good: Parenting young children is not dissimilar to training a young puppy where you need to ignore much of their poor behaviour while praising the good stuff. If you do ignore poor behaviour (and some of it you cannot ignore) then you really need to withdraw your attention and place it elsewhere. Then you must become really expert at catching kids doing the right thing and reflect back to them verbally (tell them what they have done well), visually (smile and let your face light up) and physically (a pat on the back or a hug will always amplify praise) what they have done well.



From my perspective those parents who rely on smacking usually lack the skills and tools to deal with children when their behaviour is less than perfect. The good part is that skills can easily be learned. Adults, like children, can learn new behaviours and skills to help them become better, more effective parents.