The inside scoop of the "Expat" life

An expatriate (in abbreviated form, expat) is a person temporarily or permanently residing in a country and culture other than that of the person's upbringing or legal residence. The word comes from the Latin ex (out of) and patria (country, fatherland).

This will be a post, about the so called "expat" life. In some term the "expat" can refer to"high end" lifestyle in some countries . The "expat" must live in the "expat" scoop and rarely blend with locals. They kids must goes to International School, buying only imported groceries items, buying only branded clothing and have a chauffeur that drive the family every where.

Others will look at the "expat family" like the V.I.P that can have everything and life looks so easy. Some will pity their kids for keeping moving around and worry that they won't get friends and can't keep up with school, Some will envy them for their lifestyle or the opportunity to see more part of the worlds.

Some will stereotypes the expat wives as the THAI THAI type, do nothing but going to beauty saloon , lunch at the 5 stars hotel, or just sipping a cup of coffee by the prestige member only gym club.

If any of that were those what you have in mind, we as the "expat" for more than 10 years can confirm you that none of that is true , at least not for our family.

It is very interesting to know what people know about " the expat" is very limited. They often forget that we need the legal pass to obtain a temporary living permit here, some case won't allow us to send our kids to local goverment school ( special permit is required) , we need to put money aside for travelling back to our home countries, we do not have any relatives or long child hood friends, we don't know the place or city as much as the local ( obviously), our children don't have any aunts or uncles or other adult figure that can spoil them once in a while,we are not often invited to relatives wedding or cousin's engagement or sister in law's inauguration party, that we rent our house/apartment, and we will not stay in once city or place forever. And the most "shocking" question of all ( that I ever get) is : What kind of nationality do your children have? Chinese/Malaysian ? Just because someone born in one country that doesn't make one the citizen. Citizen always must follow the parents' in most of the cases .

Being "expat" that mean you will not be entitled to certain things in the country you are residing. Like certain contests or activities that only open to the citizen. There are also many bittersweet moments, specially during festive seasons, when we feel the most, we do not have family /relatives here to celebrate Chinese New Year, Christmas, or we miss our best friend's wedding because we are unable to return home

In our case, both of us , never live in either of our home countries ( Italy and Indonesia), so the countries that we've been living are both foreign to us. I know many "expat" married with local , or the opposite that if the wife ( is the expat ) and live int he home country of the husband, and that's make it easier at least there are one side of the family/relatives to give them support or help.

It 's can be quite intimidating to move to a new country , with small children , and no family or relatives , specially if the country is far away from your own.More if you can't speak the local language or read or write and if English is not mainly use there. But as expat wife and mom, it is the main task to solve the "domestic" problem, while the husband is handling with the new job in the new place.

Through the Globalization, the number of expatriate employment are rocketing up . Now a days , the expat from Europe and North America are dominating the United Emirate Arab and The People Republic of China and also the S.E Asia countries.

But some of these expat, decided not to bring the whole family. Due to many reason, one of the most obvious is if the wife has a great career in their country and can't afford to loose the job. Mostly for expat family , they will be just one single income, as dependent pass are not allowed to work by law. So that is why, in most cases , the expat package is higher compare the local counterparts. And due to the must leave the "comfort" zone in their own hometown.

As from marriage point a view. Being "the expat" can either strengthen or weaken your marriage. Being far from either side of family and relatives means that you only have each other to holding on, you are each other best friend in the foreign world. There are no way I could run away for 2 nights to go back to my parent's place because we have a small argument about who forget to turn of the porch's lights the other day.Expat wife doesnt have that " luxury" ok? It will cost a pile of money if for every single small arguments I need to go back to my hometown.

In the more "glamorous" words, the expat wife is the " The Manager", "Personal Assistant", some time even" Translator", " Cheerleader" , "Therapist" ( for the stress and overworked husband) and most of all " The support pillar" . Beside those roles , the wife other roles are: the cook, the laundry lady, the MOM , the driver, the private tutor for the kids, the sexy wife on the bed , and the beautiful and smart wife that he can be proud of to bring to the company annual dinner.

Sound interesting? or scary? At least I try to open up that not all the "expat wives" are tagged with THAI THAI labels.

The ability to adapt is one of the strongest skills the "expat" wife must learn. Either she was born with it or.. she doesn't have a choice. Just take a small simple adapting situation : the house. Housing is the very basic needs of course, we need to have house, most of the time "expat" will rent the accommodation if it is not provided by the company. Depends on the city , country, job position or company rules. In some metropolitan cities the rent could be a whooping rocketing sky. In some quite place the rental could be lower. In some company , they might provide the housing for the staffs inside the company premises ( such if your husband is working for Hotel chains or Resort) . Sometimes we can afford to rent a spacious size of semi detached house ( like our current situation ) but I know, if we move to bigger city, this house would be just a history. In other big city ,with the much more higher rental fee, with the same money , we could only rent a studio apartment or 2 bedroom apartment not in a central area. If I complaint if we live in a small 2-3 bedroom apartment and nag to my husband that I want to rent a bigger house, I don't thing is fair for him. Because , it is unreasonable, to spend , let's say 1/3 of the salary to rental fee. We adapt. We always need to.

During our first year of expat life, we lived in 2 bedrooms apartment, studio apartment, 3 bedroom apartment , and a nice semi detached here in KK. But it doesn't mean that I will not accept to live in the apartment anymore. This is the " Teflon " moment, Either I must cook with it or let it slide. But for me "House is made from bricks and stones, but Home is made by loves and family. And this is what I am doing, as the wife , I am building the HOME for our family, not from the size or price but with loves and warmth . What is for a big , pretty house but filled with anger and loneliness and arguments? I much prefer a small apartment filled with joy, laughter, and happiness.

There are so many other situation that you need to experience it to be able to understand it. Some time the situation or location is not perfect but we must endure it.

It is frustrate me sometimes to see, some women , that doesn't want to compromise for the sake of the husband's better career, those who refuse to move out their hometown , because she doesn't have the mother there, no one help her to take care of her children, or in the new country they can't have their own car and must take public transport or they can't live in the landed property , and must rent the government apartment, or worry for the children being abuse because they are not locals and look different.

During the last 10 years, we live far from our families, far from friends, far from the food that I love, people that I love, I need to get to know new places, new cities, getting to know new people, doing new things, learn new languages.

Do I have any regrets? Absolutely no . I feel so fortunate to be able to know many cultures, it helps me to open up my mind, to gain new respect to certain races and places, to witness many wonderful friendship, and this is what I am telling my children. To see this life as the journey, to see the pages of our life being unfold, to hold the future. I am not gonna say that it is easy, but we will try and to endure and adapt.

It is not the strongest species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the ones most responsive to change.

- Charles Darwin

Older, Bolder, Wiser, Stronger

It was my birthday recently. And I am hitting the 33rd milestones! WOW! :)

I don't even feel 33. How is 33 old woman suppose to fee?

Anyway it's been a long time since the day I was born back in Jakarta. 3 decades and 3 years. Being the 4th child ( out of 5) in the family, I must said it suits me very well. I am the youngest girl in the family, I have 3 older sisters ( one is a lot more different than the other) , but I still can put out the "bigger sister" rank to my younger bro. Great right? hahaha. I can be the " baby" and " bossy" at the same time.

Being older means being wiser ( hopefully) for me but without losing my "true self". I am still the same person as 15 years ago and today. I've learn a great deal, I saw the pain and the beauty of this life, I feel and stumble, I made mistakes ., I did stupid things, I did childish thing, I said some rude and thoughtless stuffs and even hurt the people that I love.

But I do allow my self to grow and to make mistakes in life. And I allow people around me to have the same right too. Let them grow and make mistakes once in a while. Because you can learn a new knowledge but wisdom must be gain from experience in life. Make the experience or even mistake worth it. Take something good out of the bad thing, always look at the silver lining in the storm.

I feel much more confident in my 30's compare to the 20's . I know more about my self as I grow. I know my strength, and my weakness. And I love my self for the complete package , and yes that include the bad and the good. The cellulite and the stretchmarks, the wrinkles and the cracked heels, the flat nose and the big pores. ^_^ AAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHH........ :)

The Millennium Life

How many of you own all of these gadgets :
Mobile phone with or without 3G , Email(s) account, or : Friendster, Facebook, Blog(s),Twitter , Personal Computer, Notebook ?

We can't deny that living in the modern world is great. I love gadgets. I can't go out without my mobile phone. Can you? I mean about 10 years ago, I can't go out without my watch. But now who need watch (if you forget it) if you can bring your mobile phone? You can keep track of time from your mobile, and of course make phone calls, texting, write down notes or shopping list, I don't even use alarm clock anymore, you know it is annoying to wake up to the RING RING RING sound. Why use the alarm clock while you can set your mobile phone into alarm and you can wake up to any songs that you like ( just download it!) . I wake up to Robert Pattinson " Never think" lately and this morning Adam Lambert's "Mad World" serenaded me and welcome the new day a head ( or going back to sleep ).

Let's see what else we can do with the mobile phone? We can check the calendar, write down agenda, we can type documents, oh and don't forget the calculator function too ( that is important when you share lunch's bill with your friends, to avoid any embarrassment because you can't divide RM 73.50 by 3). And if you have the more advance mobile you can check emails, do video calls ( where I can let my girls to see their Dad's face so can he), go online, do internet banking, mobile blogging and hey don't forget to update your Facebook's status too! Oh and how about uploading mobile's photos and MMS-ing the photos seconds after it was taken to my family all over the world? ( Hmm... now I know why my monthly bill is high!)
So how does this gadgets affect how our life? I must say, it affect me in a good way ( I hope or I think so..or hmm wait.. is it good way?) Let's see.....
Ok now how about e-mails : I have at least 4 accounts. Wait no ....I have 5 accounts! Am I nuts? FIVE?? Well I have my reasons :). Back to the topic, emails is un-dispensable these days. I can't imagine world's without emails. It makes my personal and professional life much much easier.I can send my digital pictures instantly via emails, or post it to facebook and blog.

Internet : oh... the list are endless , online shopping, blog hopping, internet banking, youtube( LOVE this, I can see all the interview of various program that are not shown on the TV), check cinema online, go to Wikipedia , download musics, find children games. The list goes on and on.
Through sms-ing lately, me and a coupe of other friends were thinking : why is it that if we don't have internet for 2 days it will be a disaster? And while our husbands go to outstation for 2 days , we can't even feel it? Do we love internet more ?:P If my internet line got problem I would freak out in no time and I am not joking! What??? no internet for 2 days?? OH nooo...
When dh said : I will go out of the down for 2 days.... Oh Ok then See ya!!!

hmm...

The next is :
Chatting ( MSN, YM, Skype) oh man! love to chat! I can do conference's chat with my high school best friends in Papua New Guinea , San Mateo , California. We chatted and chatted like the old days. Alot of laughter , and while doing so, I updated my status in Facebook : Chatting with my B%*$H*S.... So another friend in Jakarta read in and then she just need to wrote in to my "wall" : HEY!!! Let me join , Boss is away now, miss u gals!So the conference chat now became merrier! HAH!And while doing so, I didn't go out a step a far from my comfort zone at home , in front of my pc. And so did my friends. It was just like the "virtual" version of the episode of Sex and the City.
And I chat , almost daily with my dad too! And of course with my sisters as well. And my friends ( some blogger friends / customers )

Then the blogs....if you read this by now, most probably you also have a blog or blogs. And I think it is nice to keep on blogging. It helps me to know ( or you to know) that other people also share the same struggle or ideas in live. When you feel like you failed as a parents, you read other's mom blog , and she feels the same way like you, so it's somehow help you to deal with your stress... I am not all alone in all of these mess!
And there are the "virtual" social networking. Latest deal is of course " FACEBOOK". Hmmm FB!!... It is addicting isn't? When the first I joined " Friendster " I was like soooo impressed that I can find my old friends again. And now same in the Facebook.
I can see the photos of my friend's newborn baby in Hong Kong just hours after the delivery, I can read other's mom status that she was in the labor room and ready to pop ( facebook mobile, darlin!). And I could see that my other friend just got engaged, Divorce, got new hot boyfriend, or the kids are having fever ( again) all in the page! It is much easier to keep it with other's people life like this.

And then there is " TWITTER" . YUP!! That's the Twit! I am on Twitter too so that you know ! HA...But mainly I use twitter to "stalk" celebrities , follow the news. I never would imagine , 14 years ago , that I will play a guessing game with Jordan Knight on Twitter. WHAAAT????/ Yup... you read that right! He likes to post some questions and me ( and thousands of other people) will try to answer it. No prize but hey... he is Jordan K from the NKOTB. Ok.. playing guessing with some celebrities on Twitter won't boast up my C.V or increase my salary if I apply for job , but hey: It is FUN!
I can read Paula Abdul's status that she was on the AI 's rehearsal show, and I know that Mike Tyson's girl has died because of the accident , the same second as Ryan Seacrest posted it on his Twit. And yup he is in LA and I am in Sabah!

But then... how much is TOO MUCH??

Does this Millenium things has turn us up to an anti social?
We need to have limit the time we spend for virtual stuffs.
While texting is really convenience , but a call for a close friend will mean much more.
While sending virtual gifts ( flowers, hatching eggs, handbags , make ups or just virtual Latte) are fun, but inviting your friends for a cup of REAL coffee at your place with some homemade "ubi goreng/fried sweet potatoes" or "pisang goreng/fried banana" or just some homemade doughnuts will better.

While following other , either at Facebook or Friendster or Blogs, once in a while , a real " meeting" over lunch or family outing are important too!

But still our virtual life can help to " heat" up our real conversation. For instance , if you read my blog or I read your blog, I know what's going on with your life lately, so we can discuss it more on the real life meeting ( hey where did you buy those make ups? or hey how are your kids? or have you find a new job yet? how is your new job doing? or Congrats on your new baby/job etc etc.

Reading other's problem in their blog help us to review our mistakes and ideas in life. Sharing in loving....

But again... what to share and what not to share..... this is yours to decide. I know my limit. I think, again I think... my real personality might be not as you imagine when you read my blog, but I think I am not much different in person. Will be a bit more quite or more chatty depends on my mood :)
But personal life or problem's , will be filtered here. Since this blog is for public to see. The reason is obvious : Privacy.

Last couple of weeks I read one of my guy friend's status on FB : Honey, let's sleep now and make 2nd baby?

Me: Is he serious??? C'mon!!!!! People can read that! They live in the same house...
What is the purpose? Want to let the friends know that he LIVE with the wife or that HE can SLEEP with the wife?

That could be a joke, maybe it was me that think that is just too much.

Sharing that you are in the mall, eating lunch, getting haircut, stuck in your in law's , that are fine.
But again.... this virtual life style need to be limited. As fun as it is to play the games , waiting for those eggs to hatch, or to the harvest those corn on the farm, we still need to spare our time to play real games. At our house : water balloons are the most current popular game between our girls. Last month Indy was in love with monopoly and before that the Twister.

I still manage to make some home made doughnuts, and share it with my neighbors, , sipping cup of coffee with friends in our living room.

I read on the news that some moms send sms to their teenager : dinner is ready.. come down...
Or post in the FB's wall : hey honey, you forget to take your medicine.

hmm... I must be aware to not turn into that kind of Millennium mom!

So who is up for tea time at my place? Time and Date? hmm wait let me see.... I will tell you right after I finish the quiz I am doing right now in Facebook...
Just check my status on FB later and just leave comment if you can come, or text me or email me or just put comment on this blog...or you can also "twitt" me!

*wink*

Stand up for ourselves VS Judgemental

Insipired by emails from my family and by most of life's experience.

What is the different between stand up to my self and being judgemental?

I always believe we must stand up for our own self , our own beliefs, opinion or point a view. But not being jugmental to others with different beliefs, opinions, point of views than us .

I am not going to talk about religions over here. As I believe ( and my parents taught me ) no religion wants to teach the people to do wrong things. It a mixture of personal background, education , view in life , that can determine someone's act. Not just religion it self.

Same goes with race. Though in our socieaty just because one orange is sour , we tend to judge the whole basket of oranges are all sour . Which is not true.

Let's start with parenting style. I am sure every one have their own parenting skills/style. But doesn't mean those who has different parenting style with me are wrong.

I am pro breastfeeding 100%, and try to encourage people to do it, but if I know one mom who doesnt breastfeed , I will not think that she is a bad mom either. People have the right to choose.

I am not pro abortion, but if someone I know choose that, It is their life and I won't judge them. It is just something I won't do. But again they don't live my live , vice versa.

Just because I use cloth diapers, doesn't mean that other moms who use disposable are wrong.

I am 100% pro cloth diapering, and support it , that is obvious :). But I won't make negative comments or sacrastic comments on someone who doesn't use that. I will give some informations about that, explain the benefits and all, but at the end of the day, it is up to them to choose.

I will not do piercing beside ear piercing, but that doesn't mean those with piercing are negative people. Same with tattoo. I don't think I will ever do it, but some one with tattoo is cool for me .

I do not eat certain food, but I won't make disgusted faces if someone eat something that I don't like. ( except if they eat dogs or cat or scorpions . YIKES :D )

I don't go to church ( often) , but that doesn't mean I am bad person. I believe in my religion, and I pray and the most important I try to do a right gestures to other, to show that I care, to do something that I can for help.

Same with someone vegetarian, if other are not vegetarian, they shouldn't make face when others eat meat.

Same goes with someone sexuality. I am more into honestly and expecting themself and feel comfortable in their own skin.Again it is all go back to each individual.

How many of us ever witness the hypocrite in the society? Or with the news we read in the newspaper? Someone who looks so wise and religious , did something outrageously wrong ?Someone respectfull in the community rape his own niece? Some politician who againts gay marriage turned out to be gay himself?

Or someone to be appread like no body did some heroic act ?

So there is a line between stand up to yourself and being judgemental .

What is my concern is that now a days the children are being judgemental. The wants to fit in the " social life". Parents want their kids to fit nicely in the "box". Make the children think , that someone who lives or has a point a view outside the "box" are bad and should be made fun of.

It is important to teach our children to stand up for their opinion and the most important to themself, never afraid to express themself in positive way, be who they are as person. It is important to teach them the value of " respecting" others. It is more important than to be the number in the class , or to be the prettiest, most fashion forward kid in the class. Again... not to say that the number 1 in the class, the prettiest, or the most fashion forward kid in the class are wrong ....

" It is not what you say, but how you say it ....."

Can I reach my goal?

Whooo.... can I tone up my upper body , no need to be slim. Just tone up a bit, specially tummy? It is the hardest part of my body to tone up!

Let's see how it goes.... hahaha.....
I am so lazy to work out!
But I don't mind to have a good body as Kim ( above pic) !! Who doesn't want it right?

So...we all got cellulite

I am never be so overly body conscious type of woman. Sometimes maybe...but I never pay too much attention of how my body should look like or want it to be perfect.

I was never be a slim stick person , and never will be. I know my curves mostly are not in the right place , and where I wish to be "chubbier" is getting "slimmer" now a days. And after 2 pregnancies ( each I gained 20 kg) I think it is human to have cellulite and stretch mark here and there. It is a motherhood trophy.

I was much much more chubbier in my teenage days. Being surrounded by all petite sisters, I was the Obelix of the family. :) And I am glad that I didn't have body image problem or suffer from low self esteem. It didn't make me a bulimic or anorexic person. I tried diet in my high school year but then I was thinking, for what??? So I don't have flat tummy, I got flabby arms, and bigger than a tree thigh....so what?

As I don't care much of my body image , so I think that is why I am not so critical also about other's people body. I know my imperfection, so if other's seem to have it as well....( again) so what?

My complexion is getting more and more far from perfect now. Bigger pores, fine lines, whiteheads. ...SO WHAT? I use make up , yes.... and that's it, the rest of the day I don't think of how my face will look like or what people gonna think about my face or my body.

I do try to eat properly, balanced diet, for the sake of my health . I stop to eat when I feel full, and eat when I am hungry. Just listen to my body's need.

Right now, I was not as heavy as before, in fact I was a tad bit slimmer compare to my post children body. I think nature is on my side. I am thanksful for that.

So for all the women...Let's celebrate our imperfection...... don't be so negative about everthing...we need to see world in the much more positive way.

Even KIM has cellulite and good for her that she got the privellage to had it photoshopped! Go KIM! She never said she got perfect body. So am I!!!!

Anyone want to edit my photos? for free? I would love that!

Children's Table Manners

Sure this is an interesting topic for all mommies. It can be night mares for some.
My children are not having the best table manners. But at least in the restaurant they can sit during meals. I think the one thing I can share is that I try to make every meal to be a pleasant one.

If a kid being force to eat and chased around to eat I think it will traumatized them and they will associate meals with a scary memory. I saw my neighbor's nanny forced the boy ( about 2 years) to finish the milk by pouring the milk from the bottle that the nipple had been cut ( so it has a big hole) directly into the boy's mouth. And I can see that the boy was almost choked. Poor lil boy. The nanny said he doesn't like to drink milk so that is the only way to feed him. I told her that can give yogurt and soya milk or fresh milk as substitute , but apparently the yogurt or other milk is not so POWERFUL as the GREAT FORMULA MILK according to them. So she must always feed the boy in front of the house or chasing him here and there . A very tiring task!And no wonder the boy will hate the milk even more!

Indy at the age of 6 is getting better but still need a lot to learn as she grows, Maya on the other hand still enjoy to be a very messy eater. But she sit during her meal. If they think they had enough I try not to force them to finish the entire meal. But if I think they do eat way to less I did a bargaining with them , like how about 2 more spoons? how about just finish the meat?

One thing I do teach them is that we eat during meal time and try to finish the food ( portion appropriate). And when you leave the table, that's it. No returning and asking for more meal. I am not a 24 hours buffet spread , darling!

Same thing with sleeping habit...when the sleeping time comes, they go in to the room, whether they are sleepy or not. No one is allow to go out anymore. Be in the room, on the bed, they can talk, sing, read book or watch a bit of TV but can't leave the room.

I must say Indy has a better table manner when since she was about 3 years old, I remember I must took her to a charity lunch gala in Guangzhou by the GWIC ( Guangzhou woman international Club) and in that even, no children were allowed. So I need to talk to the board persons for them to allow me to take Indy as no one can baby sit her that day. They said ok. But please no running around. And most of the people were suprise by how well behaved Indy was , she sit through out the lunch no tantrum , no screaming and all. It was a big relief for me of course. And she eat everything on the plate too! From appetizer to dessert. The chairman of the club were so pleased and praised Indy and said she will be always invited to any adult luncheon event, and wish any children can behave like her :) and I took her again to the Indonesian Charity Fashion Show for Tsunami Victim the very next year, and yes she was very well behave as well.

I am not sure if I will have the guts to bring Maya to this kind of events. I think I will be kick out from the room in 30 minutes max! LOL

Maya during lunch time at The Mediterranean , eating pasta with pesto sauce.

Anyway..... here is the article from Baby Center.com about table manners that I receive through email just this morning . I hope you can get some useful information here as much as I did! I still need to adjust my way to teach them after I read this article! :)

I'd like my preschooler to have better table manners. Where do I start?

Begin with the idea that mealtimes are pleasant and that good behavior makes them more fun for everyone. Talk with your preschooler about the importance of good manners, and encourage him to think of himself as a polite person. Set realistic expectations, then gently reinforce them until they become habit.

What can I teach him at this age?

Your child isn't ready for the finer points of well-mannered dining (such as which fork to use for the cake), but he's old enough to start learning and even perform the basics — depending, of course, on whether he's just turned 2 or is approaching kindergarten age.

Some behaviors to teach and encourage at this age:

• Hand washing before coming to the table

• No toys at the table.

• No throwing or grabbing food

• No banging utensils

• No spitting food out

• No yelling or running around the room while others are eating

• Saying "please" and "thank you"

• Using utensils instead of fingers when appropriate

• Asking to be excused at the end of the meal (a nice touch is to teach him to thank the person who prepared the meal)

• Clearing dishes from the table to the sink or counter (if the path is clear and the dishes are replaceable)

Some older preschoolers (those who enjoy learning to act "grown up") can handle a few more details. Your child might like to know how to put his napkin in his lap and use it to wipe his mouth, to take small bites, and to chew with his mouth closed. He can learn not to slurp his beverage (by leaving some in the bottom of the glass), to wait until everyone is served before starting to eat, and to comment nicely on the foods he likes (but not on those that are "yucky"). Mealtime is a great opportunity for him to polish his communication skills, too, so be sure to include him in discussions.

As for Indy I try to reinforce that she can't say the word "yucky" to some kind of food that she doesnt like, especially if she eat in a friend's house. She can use the word " I prefer that" or " I think I will eat this " but not yucky or " blueeek I don't like prawn!!!" . Just because she doesn't like prawn but that doesn't mean that everybody must hate it.And her comment might hurt the feeling of someone that prepared the meal for her ( in this case her friend's mom or can be my mom, or aunt or whoever is it)

What's the best way to tackle these lessons?

Your preschooler wants to please you, and he wants to be like you, so the best way is to show him how it's done. Talk pleasantly at the table — no lectures, arguments, or raised voices. Say "please" and "thank you" when you ask for something to be passed. And don't read the paper, watch television, talk on the phone, or jump up to tend to other things. Show him that good table manners involve showing respect for the other people at the table.

Consistency will help make good manners a habit for your child in the coming years, so when you introduce a behavior, set expectations and use gentle reminders to reinforce them. Simply hand your child his spoon when he picks up his cottage cheese with his fingers, and prompt a "thank you" when you refill his water.

Give your child strokes for behaving well at the table — when he sits nicely and asks politely, for example. Don't overdo the praise, though, because you don't want him to feel that he's the center of attention whenever you sit down to share a meal.

What should I do when my child misbehaves at the table?

You have a couple of choices. Some parents find it's best to ignore the misbehavior — the demanding, the banging, the mess-making. When this tactic works, it's because the child stops doing whatever gets no response. Other parents find that it's better to find ways to discourage their child's problematic behavior. If your child doesn't say "please," then don't serve that second helping until he does. And some parents simply remove their children from the table when they do things that are unacceptable, explaining that their behavior is not good manners.

If you make it enjoyable for your child to share meals with you — by talking with him and being upbeat — then he's more likely to want to stay and share the good vibes. Next time (or eventually, in any case), he won't do things that get him banished.

What are some good rules at this point?

Different families are comfortable with different rules, so you get to decide. One family might be fine with everyone coming to dinner in their bathing suits or jammies, for example, while another may require that everyone gets dressed for dinner. Your family may enforce the "no elbows on the table" rule, while another has no such rule.

So you'll want to make sure that your child learns to be polite, but there's some leeway on what that means. As he grows, you can teach your child the basics (to say "please" and "thank you," to chew with his mouth closed, to be pleasant) and even some nitty gritty (like which utensil to use and where to put his napkin), but don't get too hung up on formalities. Good manners are really about being considerate of others. If your child keeps that in mind, he'll do fine.

There are a couple of rules you might not want to enforce at mealtimes, though. One is the old "clean your plate" rule. You want your child to learn to stop eating when his body says it's full, not when everything in front of him is gone. So offer small portions, refilling as necessary, and respect his decision to stop eating.

Ah agree with this one. Exactly what I am thinking.

At this age, you might also forgo the rule about sitting at the table until everybody is finished eating. Your preschooler is still active by nature, and it's likely he just can't sit still that long. A better idea might be to let him ask to be excused whenever he's finished. You might want to say that once he leaves he can't come back for more food, though, so he won't get into the habit coming and going throughout the meal.

Hey , this is what I do! So guess I m not so mean after all? hehehe

How can I get my preschooler to behave in restaurants?

It'll help a great deal if your preschooler's been learning table manners at home. Before you leave, talk with him about what to expect. Tell him that it will be fun to share this special meal. Explain that there will be other people in the restaurant who won't want to be disturbed, so he'll have to use a soft voice and think about his table manners.

Make it easy on him by choosing a restaurant that's not too crowded or too leisurely about serving. You may even want to call your order in ahead of time. Make sure your child is well rested when you take him out to eat and that he's hungry (but not to the point of meltdown!). If he's not up to the task once you're in the restaurant, don't reprimand him in public — just use gentle reminders. If he misbehaves in a way that disturbs other diners, though, leave without fanfare. Explain that he wasn't able to stay because his behavior was unacceptable.

Another way to help your preschooler learn how to be a savvy diner at restaurants (or at Grandma's next holiday) is to role-play at home. Maybe he'd enjoy a tea party, where you emphasize good manners to his teddy bears. Or maybe he'd find a fancy dinner — with your best china and tablecloth, candles, and dress-up clothes — inspiring. You might even exaggerate your good manners (pinkies up!) for fun.

Never do for a child.....

My eldest daughter will be in primary school next year, we already find the school that we tought would be suitable for her. We need still need to register next month actually.
So what's next?

We heard from parents that most of us are nervous because primary is the time for exams, lots homeworks and bully....

In the kindergarten , the teaching styles are more about nurturing and caring beside the academical study. I feels like my girl is in the right environment and in the hand of good care takers and teacher. But when she will enter the primary, "the real schooling year" will just begin....

Have you think of, how to prepare them for schooling age? Is there any skills or lesson you can teach them?

Those years means more stress for kids, more pressure , competition, and challenges in the socializing with friends and peers, and in the older age , that means also to be come popular.

hmm.... why sounds so complicated.

My parenting idea is simple and for some it might be seems as " cold mom" or " non protective enough" but I believe that somehow, our children need to learn some lesson in life on their own.
We just be their guide and confidant. But I prefer , if it is the right matter, to let them deal with it first, before we , as parents will get involve.

During our life we met, meet or will meet some cruel, cold hearted and mean people and it is depends on us how to deal with them. In our children life, that is the same. You know some times kids are just being kids, and some how in the school ( as early as in kindergarten) they can make fun of other kids , making fun on their names, on their look, try to take their stuffs, try to scare them and so on

In my dd kindergarten years, she's been a victim as well, her friends make fun on her surname as in Rocco, as in " ROKOK" in bahasa Malaysia. My first reaction? I almost burst in to laugh!
In my mind....how creative these kids now a days! indiana ROKOK.....muahahahahahaha....( then I realized how early they knew about ROKOK)
but anyway, I didn't laugh of course infront of my dd. Because she seems to be pretty upset. And asked me to change her family name, because her friends were making fun of it. I told her that, I know how she feel , but we cant change our name, specially our surname just like that. That name belongs to your great grandfather and your grandfather and your father and now it belongs to you.We should be proud of it. But then she said : yaaa mom...but it sounds like ROKOK the cigarretes!!!
I told her to tell her friends that it is not nice to make fun of somebody's name, and they should stop that. And that is not nice.

She did that , and I never heard she is complaining about her Surname anymore afterthat ( this thing happened I think about 5-6 months ago). I could just go to the teacher and complain about this , to defend my girl , and ask the teacher to talk to those kids. Or I can just show up in the school and ask my dd which are the kids that make fun of her name and I give talk to them.But I prefer to let my daughter to deal with it first, let her try to speak , and if it's fail of course I will help her without being too intrusive .

I believe most of you been in this kind of situation more or less. Some being hit, or bite, some got problem with their belongings at school ( some one try to " borrow" it ) and even worse being "force" to borrow their thing to others.

Kids now adays are more mean. Is it because of TV influence? or is it dealing with stress? The pressure for them start early . The got tons of homeworks , test, and teacher expect them to excell within minimum of time and we , as parents, want them to be the best in their test, as well to behave good and do their homework on time, finish each meal without being picky, and do great in music or other activities. And for some others kids the stress could come from problem in their family, divorce, sudden lost of family member etc.

For some kids , they seems to handle it without a flaw. But for others it can be a struggle.
Stress in children can triggers some of these behaviour : lie, bully, defy authority, aggresive, create a bad behaviour, withdrawn from their friends.

One thing I notice about my dd, she is an independent girl, and she likes to handle the problem her self. This is in a way good or not good. If she got some problem at school, she will tell me about it, and I offer her some advice. Then she will solve it on her own. Some how I like to test her, and said I will help you and I will talk and ask you teacher about it. She said : no need ma, I will ask my self. Don't worry. Which , of course, without her knowledge , I go and ask to her teacher, just to follow up. The teacher told me that she handle the problem really well and said that Indiana is one brave and independent girl. And she has a good self confidence.
Well I think it is a good things. I hope she can keep that until she is big.

I think it is a good way, to let our children learn a lesson on their own. And to teach them that , they , sometimes, don't need our help all the time. Some how they can do it on their own. But we as parents will always be there for them. The same with my 2nd dd, she is now a stuborn 2 years old. And very very self focused at this time , all are ME, MY SELF AND I oh and NOW!.She try to climb, run, open and close everything that she could. Sometimes when she want to do something, I just stand at the back, I let her do things on her own, when she stumble or are gonna to fall, I will be there to catch her. But I won't do everything for her, I let her try first.


I know some of you may heard this story , about parents who told their only son, what he needs to do is to study study and study and to be the number one in the school. And let mommy take care of the rest. So this boy , just know how to study, while the other aspect of his life being taken care by his parents. At home, he always got the best food served on the table, all according to his taste, the bath are always ready for him in the right temperature, the towel, pants and everything will prepare for him. He doesn't need to worry about transport to and come back from school, because mommy will take care of everything . This is not just happen during the primary years but continue to his college years. Mom thinks that, if her son doing something else rather than studying, he will just waste his time. So she will take care of the other things for him. From food, laundry, buying underpants, socks, pants, paying his phone bills.
The son graduated from his college with excellent result and then got a good job at one top company in the other part of the country. When hi goes there, he doing a good job , but struggle to deal with everyday situation , he never knows how to boil an egg, cook an instant noodle, operate a washing machine, or microwave, or buy his own underpants or sock or shoes, or clothing, he doesn't even know what size he is wearing. He never learn all of that, because everytime he wants to do that, his mom always shooed him away and said let mommy take care of this, this is not important, your just give me a good grade, pass all the test and graduate and be the best in your school/college. He also never deal with his sosializing problem during his school years, since his mom will take care all of his problem with his friends or teacher, and also his mom will help him to choose who to be friends with, what book to read, what place to go etc.
The first time when he wrote his mom a letter, it was : Mommy, I was graduated from college, and got my degree, but I was just enroll in REAL LIFE as in pre Kindergarten. I wish you let me learn those things before.

I think , what I want to say in one short sentence is :
Never do for a child what he 's capable of doing for himself

And yes, that is one of the Montessori Method is about. I read about that from Cel's blog.

And I think by letting them to "help" me or the maid doing some of the house chores will also build their self confident too! Even it is just to crack an egg during cookies making session, put a key into my bag, bring me my mobile etc. And to see their proud faces after that , is so much fun ( plus Lil Maya will say : maya elp mama!!)

" Experience is a hard teacher because it gives the test first and the lesson afterward"