The evolution of love

Sounds like science 's book title? :) Well actually it's just me who is just realizing that we gonna hit our 11th Wedding anniversary in less than 2 months ( we are officially OLD couple!). If you are a loyal reader of my humble blog, you would have notice by now that I take wedding anniversary very seriously :) . Why?? Because to celebrate our love milestone is a way to keep our love alive and our marriage survive. Normally we will just have dinner date or movie, so nothing to fancy ( no a trip to Paris , or cruise to Mediterranean yet !Hopefully one day... ahhah Amen!!!)


According to the book and site that I read , the stages of marriage are : honeymoon stage, reality stage, child bearing stage, accommodation stage, transformation/success stage.


The early stage of love for most people is the Honeymoon stage. Oh my.. it feels like ages ago. We were both still very young. I was 21 , he was 24( pre married) Where all we did was having fun, going for dates, go to pub, dance, shop, getting to know each other. Where the differences between us seems to be no problem and we thought that with our love we will conquer everything. ( yeah right... keep read on)


Reality stage. Where all the reality hits... before and after married. We saw flaws in our partner ( where before he was perfect!)  And then after marriage  there are more problems : domestic household issue ( can he put the toilet sit down for once??? or can he close the toothpaste back???) and bills to pay... and then  in laws to be pleased, or maybe noisy sister in law to face etc ... ( if you are married you could add more to the list by now). And the heat often turns cold. The frequency to make love has also drop specially when we reached the next stage Child bearing stage.


Child bearing stage according from the article :
The arrival of children is a particularly critical 'new reality' transition for marriages. Kids transform the focus of a family and can dramatically increase the stress level. There is simply so much more work, distraction, time pressure and potential conflict inherent in childrearing. Most marriages are not adequately equipped to cope well with this new family reality. It's very difficult to keep sufficient focus on the marriage relationship with the attention that kids demands, but it is essential to do so. The infancy of the second child is one of the riskiest periods in a marriage, since all these stress factors are multiplied with two young children requiring intensive attention in the family.
Couples who don't intentionally strategize and plan to keep their intimacy strong can begin to feel alienated and drift apart. This is why it's so important to have marriage preparation before the wedding or immediately after, before the more demanding marriage phases begin. 

We are lucky we had two years after marriage with no kids , well we kinda planned it that way. I always know I would love to have kids one day but I also want to spend time with my husband for a couple of years at least with no kids. We both wanted the same thing and we wanted to traveled first, to see the world, to have more fun and most of it we want to be prepare financially before children. 

I think we are now in between child bearing stage and the Accommodation stage  right now.

Accommodation Stage  -  Couples work to renew  their relationship on a down-to-earth basis by learning about their needs and managing their differences and areas of conflict.

We are still having communication problem sometimes. As my husband is at the busiest time in his career  and for me too. Handling 2 young kids as well. Time management is the hardest part. We spend family time together only on Sunday and we take family time very seriously too. As well as parent's date night!

We believe to have strong bonding between husband and wife is important. The love might be there, but when there is no connection or bonding the feeling to each other might drift away and the sparks will be gone.

Some couples think that starting a family together will reinforce their bond. For many, it is the opposite. They may stay together because of their kids, but their tie to each other is actually diluted as their attachment to their children displaces their connection to each other.

I also agree on this. A couple need to know how many children do they want to have. Because being a parent is the most hardest job in the world and if you stay married together but not in the same page on raising your own children that will lead to more arguments sooner or later.


Hmm...sound so complicated isn't it? Do I make the single one out there scare of marriage? I do hope NOT! LOL
But just a little friendly advice... Marriage is not a noun , it is a verb, it requires a lots more than love alone, It needs understanding, and most important of all is friendship.  ( yeah...sounds easy? That's mean you are not yet married! ^_^...) Those who are married will know, some times there are time when you can't just face your husband, where everything he said or did annoyed you to the core or even more! And yet you are still there together and your marriage is even stronger and you will think: to marry him is one of the best thing in your live! And yet... he STILL manage to annoy you again and again... vice versa! I know sometimes er.... ok...most of the time I am a very annoying wife too ^_^ ! LOL). 


I remember a conversation with a childhood friend over a year ago back in my hometown.... she told me her marriage is safely running, smoothly, her husband always gives her way, listen to her, do anything to please her. When I heard this, I said : how lucky you are!!!  But then she said , she feels like her marriage is too plain... to normal....something is missing,  she is bored because there is no challenge in it, because the husband always do whatever to please her! buy anything she wants... Me of course screamed in horror: What's wrong with you???? I wish my dh do that to me!!! Buy ANYTHING I want,,, DO whatever to please me ( hallo?? New bag, new shoes, go to shop in Hongkong to revamp my wadrobe , why I must complaint?) . I told her :my situation is we " discuss " ( read : argue )where should we go, where do we eat. Even though we argue but I think it is just "us" , we do not argue seriously but I think me and him has a very strong opinions LOL. We are NOT a soft spoken couple for sure!
And then... I need to "hide" my new shopping stuffs ! LOL does it sound familiar to you??? So when I heard my friend's husband never do that, and she is bored I was like : are you nuts????  But to think again... maybe.. if my dh will just follow everything I want, do whatever I want... follow whatever I wish... I will be bored to the core!!! So you see.... Marriage is indeed a VERB!!! ^_^ We must work hard on it!


And I stumbled upon a funny quote in Facebook ( which ...funny enough...sarcastic but how true!!)


Marriage License should be like a Driver's License. Good for a few years, if you don't renew it, it expires!

What do you think? :) I know it's sound stupid...but to think of it... There is truth in it. Marriage on the paper but it doesn't guarantee it will last forever. We need to "renew" " refresh" "rebuild" "reconnect" with your love one.. Else...it will be expire...


Oh well.. going to renew mine a bit tonight ! Nope! Not like what you are thinking!! LOL.... I will show him his "love letters" to me from  more than 12 years ago ( gosh I feel so ancient!!) . I happen to found it when I clean my cabinet today. A bunch of our love letters from 1998 when we were apart for a few months! When I read it this afternoon ...hahahahahaa I was dying of laughter!!! Couldn't help it! I want to see his face later when I will show it to him!!!! hahahahah...And it is nice to remember those time...where we were still young, were uncertain about our future.... so many doubts, so many obstacles, and yet we are here now... laughing at our love letters 12 years later! Renew,,,,, Re-fresh.... Re-build.....Re- connect.....


XOXO
S.R 

Couple Retreat

I've been waiting for this movie since a few months back. Keep seeing the behind the scene on E! I thought it won't show in Malaysia. But finally it is here! I love the actors and actress. And definitely love romantic comedy.

It is great to watch this with our husband too. It is an entertaining movie but it's also remind us to respect , value and the most important is to have fun with our spouse.

In our daily life, we talk a lot with our spouse, but mostly it is out of " necessities" like: what bills to pay, the children tuition fees, where and what to eat for dinner, etc etc"
Many couples do not connect to each other like they used to before married or before children. And it is not rare , in some cases, some couple fell " weird" around each other when no one is around them ( no children, no parents, no friends, no in laws)  They  feel "lost" and " can't enjoy each other company" if there are just 2 of them.

In Asia , it is common practice to bring parents, in laws for vacations, dinner, sleep over. The more the merrier. And it is a great value to teach to our kids. For holiday season like Christmas, Chinese New Year, Hari Raya,etc. Or it is also common to go holiday with bunch of other families and relatives.

While the western tradition, while it is a tradition to spend time with family too during holiday season ( Easter, Christmas,Thanks Giving, etc) , they are also sometimes more on the "selfish" side compare to the Asian.
In the meaning of : it is rare that grandparents will take a full care of the grand children, because the elderly there will enjoy the most of their golden years ( taking cruise, go to holiday all around the world), and once the kids' reach 18 or 20  they will move out from the house and try to earn some money while studying by working part time . Mean while in Asia, it is normal to have the grandparents to take care of the grandchildren full time, and it is common to live together with in laws even after the children got married, surprisingly some people are still getting financial support from their own parents. 

Nothing good or bad, right or wrong , it is all depends on what we want in life. I want my parents to enjoy more in their golden years. Though it will be great to have sometimes our parents to take care of our children but to take care of them full time is a hard job, and I don't want to give them any more financial burden . They 've done their job to take care of us and spend money for us, it is time to give something back in return.

Back to the couple thing , I think when a couple can't enjoy each other company anymore without the " buffering" person, I might say there are some "glitch" in the relationship. When a couple can't have fun anymore there is a " glitch" too. When the couple don't enjoy each other touch or like to cuddle anymore or even worst decreasing of the sex life, there are some " glitch".

All married have glitch here and there. There are no perfect marriage. But when marriage turns to "work" then we must find the way back to make it " enjoyable".

Fix that glitch now ! Why don't it start with going to cinema with your spouse? The Couple Retreat is a great movie for couple. :)

Happy weekend!

What is the secret?

If someone asked me, what is the secret of our marriage?
I simply can't answer that. The answers will be so complex.

When I was young girl. Marriage seems to be so simple. A girl meet a boy, the got married, and they live happily ever after.

I believe marriage come is different stage. And I think we are blessed that we never been in the " flat plateau" stage. A stage where everything are just routine and chores, where there are no excitement and laughter and fun anymore. I am blessed to be able to experience this marriage , that allows me to be my own self , to still have my freedom as individual as well as a couple. I am blessed to have a husband that allow me to have my time as wife and woman as well as being a mom.

That will be a lie to say that our marriage is a smooth sailing. We got bumps , bruises, scratches, cuts , and even wounds.But we also got many nice things to remember by, and many stories and jokes to share.

To fall in love is the easiest part, to stay in love is much harder. And marriage? tripled it up!

Our loves has changed, it is more matured now and more nurturing than our young loves a dozen years ago. Our priorities has changed , but deep down we are still two young individuals in love.

So what is the key to good marriage? love it self is not enough. I have witness people who fell in love and the marriage crumbled apart. Respect is another key. But I think to be comfortable with my own skin it helps a lot. I know my husband likes me for who I am, anyway that is why he married me right? ^_^I don't have to pretend or act a certain way in front of him. He knows me inside and out. We are each other best friends. And that what is count.

And the other thing that is important is that we are each other solid rocks. When outside world can be gray and dull, we support each other in ups and downs.

" Do not marry someone you can live with... you marry the person you can not live without!"

I totally agree of the above quote. And there are more that I think is either funny and true ^_^

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.

Remember that a successful marriage depends on two things: (1) finding the right person and (2) being the right person

Right now as me and my dh has been sailing this marriage ship for a decade we are still learning and discovering our love and our relationship ... Our marriage is not perfect, sometimes we struggle, we fell but we did go up again.

Cheers to all married women out there! If you think your relationship is struggling at the moment, then you are not alone. We all have been there !

NR, Ti Amo per sempre.... :)